Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
