Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
