I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
