im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
