I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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