So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
