Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
