My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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