i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
