Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
