wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
