And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
