hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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