Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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