Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
