there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
