Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
