my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
