when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
