I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Randomize
