I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
