I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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