i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
