Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
