I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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