can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize