All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
