my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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