He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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