so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
