Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
