They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
