Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
