I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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