Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
