I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
