I'm eating all of the evidence.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
