3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize