call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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