guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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