During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
