I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
