I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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