I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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