3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize