I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
