I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
