I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
