I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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