I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Houston, we have a squirter
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
