did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize