Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
