I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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