i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
