Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
