oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
