i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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