Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
