So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
