No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
