I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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